My Marriage

My Marriage.
Rules and Relationships.

Lessons my wife taught me about un-conditional love.

This book will help you enjoy a more peaceful life.

Copyright © 2018 by Tony Egar

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other non-commercial uses permitted by copyright law.
For permission requests, write to the publisher.


Chapter 1

Today is the first day of October 2016.
I along with my fellow Australians have been watching the American presidential election.
The experts in the media have been telling us that this election is about more than who will be president.
They are pointing to the opportunity the new President will have in appointing the next judge to the Supreme Court.
Apparently a conservative judge died and now the court is evenly balanced between conservatives and liberals.
The new President will be able to influence the future of America through his appointment to the court.
Will America turn left or right?

I am an Australian citizen, it is none of my business.
What I find fascinating is how powerful the Supreme Court is.
In some situations it is more powerful than the President.
Why am I fascinated?
Because the theme of this book is about rules and the effect they have on our lives.
My observation is: the most powerful people in the world are the rule makers.

But let me take the observation a little further.
There is something even more powerful than the rule makers.
Yes, the most powerful thing in the Universe is a rule.
Because rules are rigid and inflexible.
They can be broken but the rule will carry a punishment.
In Australia we have rules for everything.
If you litter you break a rule.
If you smoke a cigarette in a public place you can be fined.
If you speed on the road you break a rule.

Many people in Australia are upset at the moment because our government is going to change the rules of marriage.
Other Australians are happy for the government to change the marriage rules.
If the marriage rules are changed some people will appeal to the High Court of Australia.

Let me ask you a question, who are the most powerful people in your country?
Are the politicians and the judges the most powerful people?
The police and the army have guns, but might is not always right.
In our country the police and the army obey the rules.
If the politicians do not like a certain rule, they just change it.
In Sydney the newspapers have been investigating a family of building developers.
This family got involved in their local council elections.
They got themselves voted onto the council.
Then they set about changing the zoning and building laws.
One rule they changed was how many levels an apartment building could have.
The old rule said you could build up to four levels.
The new rule said you could now build the apartment building up to eight levels.
I saw in the newspaper this morning that this family sold some land for a profit of $4.5 million.
They doubled the value of that land by changing the building rules in their favour.

I live on a small property just outside of Brisbane city.
At the moment our local council rules do not allow us to divide our land and sell it.
But if I woke up tomorrow and found that the council had changed the rules in my favour.
I would be rich and happy.

Please notice the power of rules.
When they are changed to favour you, you can get rich and you can get happy.
If the rules are changed to oppose you, they have the power to make you depressed.

Chapter 2

Rules have the power to affect our wealth and happiness.
We should find where these rules exist and see whether we can change them.
To change the rules of government you will have to become a politician.
Or try to influence the politicians by starting a protest movement.
Up till now I have been talking about rules that are written down.
What about all the rules that are not written on a piece of paper.
When you are introduced to someone you will normally shake their hand.
If they offer to shake your hand and you refuse, that is very rude.
You have just broken an unwritten rule.
You will now be punished by being told how rude you are.
If you go to New Zealand and you are introduced to a Maori person you may be rubbing noses as a greeting.

A hongi is a traditional Māori greeting in New Zealand.
It is done by pressing one’s nose and forehead (at the same time) to another person.
It is used at traditional meetings among Māori people and serves a similar purpose as a formal handshake in modern western culture, and indeed a hongi is often used in conjunction with one.

Different cultures have different rules for the same situation.
Sometimes different families have different rules.
Some families when they socialise think it is a good idea to get drunk and swear.
Other families would be offended by such behaviour.
Imagine if your husband came from a family of loud-mouthed drinkers and you came from a family of well-behaved puritans.
I think there would be a clash of cultures.
The wife might suggest they have a party, meaning a quiet evening with a few friends.
Meanwhile the husband is thinking, “Does she mean a party, or does she mean a PARTY”?
This young couple may have married in youthful enthusiasm and now they are starting to realise they are from completely different backgrounds even though they grew up in the same town.
By now you and I are beginning to understand where rules come from.
Rules come from the human heart.

Imagine you are marooned on a tropical island with twenty people.
Someone has sailed off in a small boat to get help.
In the meantime, everyone settles down to a daily routine.
A couple of days later you find your wallet missing.

You do not know who took it.
You ask everyone to meet together.
At the meeting you explain that your wallet was stolen.
Wouldn’t you be shocked if everyone told you that stealing was okay?
All your life, you have been taught that it is wrong to steal.
Now these people are saying it is okay to steal.
You and I know this is not the way it would happen.
We know that most of society believes it is wrong to steal.
Where did that rule come from?
It comes from the human heart.

Most countries have similar rules regards murder, stealing, assault etc.
How did it happen that almost all of humanity agree on the basic rules?
I know there are exceptions, but when I travelled as a young man it was illegal to murder, steal or assault someone.
No matter which country I was in.

Let us go back to the young married couple who are organising a party.
It is going well until the husbands friends strip down to their underpants and run up and down the street upsetting the neighbours.
The wife is horrified, she goes to her room in tears.
Meanwhile the husband thinks his friends behaviour is normal.
This couple have so much in common on the surface.
But buried deep within their hearts are a whole set of unwritten and unspoken rules.
Because the rules disagree the young couple disagree.


Chapter 3

Rules do not appear by themselves, they emanate from the hearts of humans.
Animals do not have rules in the same way we have rules.
Animals have animal rules, but they are not like human rules.
Animals act instinctively.
They kill who they want to kill, steal what they want to steal and they mate as they feel.
I am generalising, the point I want to make is that animals do have rules of behaviour but they do not have a legal system like humans.
We have rules and judges and juries.
We have prisons; we have the right of appeal.
We can claim insanity.
We have lawyers.

This weekend the Formula One Grand Prix was held in Malaysia.
The winner of the car race was an Australian.
Some Australian men were at the race in Malaysia and stripped down to their underpants to celebrate.

A senior Malaysian police official says he would have no hesitation in charging nine Australian men who were detained after stripping down during the country’s Formula One Grand Prix.
The Australians have been in custody since Sunday as Malaysian authorities investigate whether the men breached the peace and disrespected the Malaysian flag, which was displayed on their underpants.

Malaysia has strict rules governing public decency.
If those men did the same thing in another country everyone may have laughed including the police.

Changing rules determines whether certain behaviour is legal or illegal.
Poland had protests about abortion over the same weekend.

In Poland the law on abortions is so strict that there were only 1,000 legal terminations last year. And now, the government is considering making it even stricter.
The governing Law and Justice party, is considering a bill that would outlaw all abortions.
Millions of women are furious.
They want the existing law relaxed, or at the very least, untouched.

Let us return once again to the young married couple.
Suppose the wife gets pregnant and then they are told the child will be born disabled.
Maybe this time the badly behaved husband has a Catholic background and he will not agree to an abortion.
The well behaved young wife has a non-religious belief system and has no problems with getting an abortion.
The clash of culture continues in this marriage.
They are probably both surprised by each other’s value system.
Like an iceberg most of it is underwater and unseen.

So far we have seen that rules have the power to make you happy or unhappy.
They have the power to create wealth and just as quickly destroy it.
Rules have the power to break a relationship.
Rules can make behaviour legal or illegal.
Today you can smoke marijuana in one State legally and drive over the border to get arrested in the next State.
Same substance, different place and obviously different people who made a rule that can affect you.

The problem is, most of the time you cannot change the rules because you are not a politician.
In the next chapter we will talk about the things you can change because there is one place where you are the rule maker.

Chapter 4

The one place that you rule over is your home.
If you are living alone then you are truly in charge.
If you are a couple then together you are in charge.
Here are some of the areas where a set of rules may exist in your relationship.

Health and fitness.
How to relate to the in-laws.
Acceptable bedroom behaviour.

The topics are endless and as you look at this sample list you will immediately know in which areas you are flexible.
And on some values you will not negotiate.
You may have been married for a long time and together found common ground.
But sooner or later certain topics come up that make one or both of you angry.
No matter how many times you talk it through and come to an agreement.
The explosions continue, they may be more frequent.
A lot of the problem could be a lack of communication.
But try as you might the problem is never permanently fixed, just temporarily repaired.

In our marriage my wife is the key to our success.
Over the years I watched her love pour out in a continuous way.
Her patience with the children was never ending.
Her enjoyment of life captivated me.
Was she a nice person or was there more to her than I realised.
Did she have a secret?
Was it discoverable?
Could I learn how to be like her?

Lorna worked in a chemist shop for most of her career.
She was dealing with sick people, moody people and occasionally some nice people.
Her boss owned the chemist shop and he always insisted the staff live by one important rule.
Can you guess what the rule was?
Yes, you got it right.
Her boss made one rule stand out above all the other rules.
He asked the staff to do this whenever they could.
He allowed for exceptions but they were extremely rare.
So for most of Lorna’s career she had to live by this one rule.
This is the rule that all the staff at the chemist shop had to obey.
“The customer is always right”.

At every staff meeting he would say, “Remember, the customer is always right”.
You will be very familiar with this rule and you may have had the same rule in your workplace.
The difference with Lorna’s boss is he would add a little sentence to the rule.
He would say, “The customer is always right”.
Then he would pause for a minute and then add these words.
“Even when they are wrong”.

Let me put it together for you.

“The customer is always right even when they are wrong”.

Now you might be asking,” how can a person be right and wrong at the same time?”

I will explain how her boss did this in the next chapter.


Chapter 5

In this chapter I will try and explain how Lorna’s boss at the chemist shop expected the staff to apply his rule for customer relations.
Here is the rule.
“The customer is always right even when they are wrong”.
Her boss explained to the staff the difference between judging a person on their decision and judging them on their behaviour.
When a member of the public walks into his chemist shop the boss declares that person a “customer” even before they have bought anything.
The boss freely gives this person who has walked into his shop “customer status”.
After freely giving this person their “customer status” he then awards them “customer respect”.
He does all this on the basis that the person has made a free will decision to enter his chemist shop.
Here is where the boss makes the difference between people deciding to walk into the shop and how they behave once they are in the shop.
The boss treats their decision to enter his shop differently to their behaviour because the money of a rude customer is the same as the money of a well behaved customer.
The boss wants the staff to learn to treat the well behaved customers exactly the same as the badly behaved customers.

Lorna told me that the key to doing this was dependant on having a gracious attitude.
When she had a rude customer she had to be more patient.
When she encountered disrespect she had to be even more respectful.
Lorna discovered that it was possible to treat the customer, as if they were “right” even when they were obviously behaving wrongly.
By focusing on their decision to enter the store… not by focusing on their behaviour once they were in the store.
But only if she settled the matter in her heart.
Thankfully she found most of the customers were well behaved and appreciative.

I watched Lorna enjoy this job for years.
Then my eyes were opened to understand Lorna’s secret.
I realised that Lorna had been keeping a similar rule at home with the family.
This is the rule that Lorna lived by as a loving wife and mother.
“My husband is always right even when he is wrong.”
“My children are always right even when they are wrong”.

Why was I right?
Because I was her husband.

Why were the children right?
Because they were her children.

What Lorna had been able to do at home with the family was amazing.
This attitude came from deep within her heart.
She had given us the “gift of rightness” based on who we were not on how we behaved.
She did not turn a blind eye to our faults.
She just showed more grace.
Because she considered us right, she did not get as upset as she should have when we let her down.
She did not get angry.
She remained up when most people would have felt let down.

Remember the key to being able to do this is to separate a single decision a person makes.
From all the other decisions they make.
A single decision you make once.
Many decisions accumulate to become our behaviour.
Lorna was able to treat me as if I was always right by believing in our decision to get married.
She always believed it was the right decision.
She always believed I was the right person for her.

We have two adult children and both times Lorna got pregnant when she freely chose to stop birth control.
She has always believed her decision to have children was the right decision.
I have also believed these decisions of marriage and children were the right ones.
But I have not had the grace to walk through life in the same way that Lorna has.
There were other rules that were stopping me from being the best that I could be.
I will tell more of my side of the story in the next chapter.


Chapter 6

The subject of this book is about the power rules have over our lives.
We cannot influence the politicians unless we become very involved.
But we are the rulers of our own homes.
Inside the four walls of your house you decide the rules, you can decide to have peace.
If you are single it will be a lot easier to do this.
If you are a married couple or a family, more people are involved and this makes peace and harmony a little harder to obtain and then maintain.
I have been describing my wife Lorna’s wonderful attitude as a wife and mother.
But I need to tell my side of the story.
My problem is I am a bit of a legalist.
I am often harsh in my attitudes towards people and I sometimes allow that to infiltrate my home and my marriage.
Without Lorna I would have been finished a long time ago.

When my children were teenagers my telephone bill went up and my electricity bill also increased by a large amount.
They both liked hot showers and loved to talk on the house phone.
This was before mobile phones were everywhere.
I decided to make a few new rules to add to all the other rules I had made.
What I noticed when I made a new rule was I was getting upset because no-one was taking me seriously.
To be more accurate I should say that my children did not take my rules seriously.
The phone bill and hot water bill went up even more.
My rule making became ridiculous and one day I knew the children were not children any more, they were young adults.

One day I had a brainwave, why not remove the phone and shower rules.
But don’t stop there, why not remove all the house rules?
Yes, all the rules my children had heard me pronounce over the years.
I had decided to declare an amnesty.
Definition of an amnesty is:
A general pardon for offenses, especially political offenses, against a government, often granted before any trial or conviction.
An act of forgiveness for past offenses, especially to a class of persons as a whole.
Forgetting or overlooking of any past offense.

So I called the family together and cheerfully declared.

“I am removing all the rules in this house”.

My wife and children did not believe me.
After I spent a few minutes explaining the logic behind the decision, the lights started going on in their sharp minds.
They got happy, they thought it was hilarious.
Their father was turning into a softie.
If you ever do something similar to what I did, do not be surprised if happiness and laughter float around the house for a few days.
I had been their father for a long time, if I was not able to teach my children how to behave properly by then, it was too late anyway.
This was the beginning of my journey from being a rule maker to a rule remover.
If you have the power to make rules then you have the power to remove them.
My family did not fall apart when I removed the rules.
I will explain why in the next chapter.


Chapter 7

The main reason my family did not descend into chaos was because my children were naturally well behaved.
You can only remove all the rules in your house if your children are not subject to extreme behaviour.
I did come back later and add some general conditions.
One of these conditions was that even though I had removed all the rules.
I had one stipulation; I now called those rules by a different name.
I called them guidelines or recommendations.
The difference I was making between a rule and a guideline was, if you broke a rule you got punished.
If you do not follow a guideline you do not get punished.
You may reap the natural consequences of your decision but a guideline is there to guide you.
Not to correct you or punish you.
I told my children that I would recommend they had quicker showers and phone calls.
If they did not follow my recommendation, that was fine by me.

The family still laugh about my decision to remove all the rules.
When I released the family from my strict rules I released myself from a complex system of rules and regulations that had accumulated over the years.
A lot of the rules did not appear to be rules, but when they were broken I would get angry.
It sounds so petty now.
I did not realise how captive I had become.
I was a control freak and I had to learn to let go.

Lorna and I learnt to watch out for any rules in our relationship that were not healthy.
Some rules are so small they are hard to spot.
You might find that you get upset when your friends are always late for social occasions.
If you are getting upset then there is a chance that a rule has surfaced.
You may not realise that a guideline can change into a rule.
The sign that shows this has happened is that you are getting angry.
You may be seeing their lateness as a sign of disrespect.
Calm down and turn the rule back into a guideline.

When Lorna and I saw the joy that was released into the family home.
By removing all the rules.
We decided to remove all the rules from our marriage.
We turned all the rules into guidelines or requests.
It took time to identify what those rules might have been.
Whenever one of us got irritated or annoyed we would sit down and try to figure out if there was a rule lurking in the background.
Lorna is shy and does not like being the centre of attention.
Often I would forget about her shyness and do something or say something that caused her to become the centre of attention.
She would get upset with me and conflict would surface.
Now when I make this same mistake she does not get upset because she has changed her rule into a request.
A request does not have any punishment.
It is simply someone saying, “Please do not make me the centre of attention”.

Next we will talk about my problems.


Chapter 8

One of my problem areas was maintenance around the house.
I am not a handyman and I would rather read a book than mow the lawn.
The jobs around the house would build up and if Lorna reminded me to mow the lawn or trim the hedges I would get irritated.
My rule was, “Do not tell me what to do”.
If I thought Lorna was telling me what to do I would get my back up.
Of course I was being lazy, but I did not like her pointing that out.
Now when she mentions that a job around the house needs doing I receive her message as a request not a command.
She was always polite and never commanded me, but I used to react as if, “I was being told what to do”.
I was being defensive.
So we sat down and worked our way through the problem.
I asked Lorna to write down a list of all the jobs that needed doing.
Then she would leave the list on my desk and give me the freedom to do the jobs when I wanted.
Once again these are silly little problems but they can cause tension to build up if left unresolved.
I was hearing her request as if it was a demand.
A demand can sound like a rule.
But she was never saying it as a command, I was just hearing it that way because I was actually being lazy.
And did not like my laziness being exposed.
Because we were able to sit down and talk the problem through we were able to expose the rule and turn it into a request.
My main rule was, “Don’t tell me what to do”.
I had to remove that rule and allow Lorna,” to tell me what to do”.
She was never really telling me what to do.
I just thought she was!
My wife is not demanding, she has an easy going personality.
Some men do have demanding wives and some wives do have demanding husbands.
Lorna had a demanding husband.
He was demanding that she “not tell him what to do”.
So I had to come to the place where I could remove my pet rule.
“Don’t tell me what to do” is now replaced by “please tell me what to”.
Just say it in the form of a request, pretty please!
Now all Lorna says to me is, “Tony I put a list of jobs on your desk”.
When I hear her say this, the real message I get is, “Tony I put a list of jobs on your desk, feel free to do them whenever you get motivated”.

She doesn’t say, “Feel free to do them whenever”.
But I know that is what she means.

Oh the happiness of marriage without rules, it is wonderful.

Here are the two rules that Lorna and I had.

“Do not make me the centre of attention”.
“Do not tell me what to do”.

We changed those two rules into requests.
This is how we would make those requests.

“Please do not make me the centre of attention, as you know I am shy and I find it hard to cope with too much attention”.
“Please feel free to tell me what jobs to do, but I hope you understand if I do not do them straight away”.

There are no threats contained in a request.
There are no demands, no time lines.
True love can ask for something and at the same time not get upset if “no” is the answer.
The way to free yourself is to give everyone around you their freedom.
Maybe you are labouring under your own rules.
Let us talk about that in the next chapter.


Chapter 9

So far we have talked about rules in family and rules in marriage.
What about personal rules?
Most people have rules for themselves and their own lives.
Here are some areas where you may have some personal rules.

You must look a certain way.
You have to be popular.
You have to be successful.
You must be married by a certain age.

Some young people punish themselves if they feel they do not live up to their own rules.
Why would you punish yourself?
There must be a rule you feel you are breaking.
One of the most powerful rules young people have concerns their appearance.
Here is the rule.

“I must be good looking”.

If a person is not good looking they know they have broken this rule.
So what can they do?
First of all they have to find out where this rule is coming from.
Did they learn it from the media?
Did they pick it up from their good looking parents or siblings?
Was it communicated to them by their friends?

Everyone knows that good looks are better than an unflattering appearance.
In some cultures fat is better than thin.
In western culture thin is better than fat.
We are all trapped in our bodies, we cannot get a new body.
There is nothing wrong with the desire to be handsome or beautiful.
But it is wrong to punish yourself for failing to meet certain standards of appearance.
Imagine if you grew up with your family on an isolated farm.
You had farm animals for friends.
Your house had no outside media, no television and no magazines.
Would you be aware that you were good looking or not good looking?
We are usually seeing ourselves through other people’s eyes.
And comparing ourselves with how everyone else looks.
There is nothing wrong with doing that, it is normal.

So what can we do?
We have to divide how we see ourselves into two separate parts.
The first part is, “Who we are”.
The second part is, “How we look”.
You have to learn to like “who you are” even if you do not like “how you look”.
Nearly everything in this world can be divided into two parts.
Day and night.
Hot and cold.
Up or down.
Black or white.
Men and women.

You also are made up of two parts.
Your body and your personality.
Your body is “How you look”.
Your personality is “”Who you are”.
The first thing you need to do, is change all your rules into requests.
Remember if rules are broken you get punished.
If requests are not fulfilled there is no punishment.
There may be disappointment, but there is no punishment.
Let’s change a rule about our appearance into a request.

In the past you might have had a thought like this:
“I am not good looking therefore I hate myself”.

Now you would change that thought into something like this:
“I am not good looking, therefore I am disappointed, but I still love who I am”.

You have changed a rule into a request, yet even though the request was not fulfilled you are not angry with yourself.
But if you leave that rule in place, “I must be good looking or else”.
You may go on punishing yourself even though your appearance is not your fault.
Your appearance is inherited from your parents.
Don’t blame them either.
Don’t blame anyone.
Remember, if a rule has not been broken there is no need to get angry.
Treat it as a request denied.
Plus it is probably the rules that are coming from the people around you that are making you feel bad and sad.
Don’t live by their rules.
The trick is to respect, “Who you are” even if you are unhappy with your appearance.
You can adjust your character and personality.
You have complete control over being a better person.
You are the rule maker in your life.
Why not become a rule remover.
Give yourself more grace.
Give, “Who you are” a high value and then teach everyone around you what that value is.

Give yourself a number out of 10.
Determine that you are going to be the best that you can be.
And watch that number climb all the way towards 10 and then beyond.
Adjust your value system to work for you.
Rearrange your values so they encourage you.
You have the power to change your values so that you are not subject to the values and demands of others or the media.
You are the President of your life.
When you walk into the room expect everyone in the room to stand up on the inside as they recognise your great personality and presence.


Chapter 10

We all have thoughts that are hard to control.
Little birds fly into our mind and build nests that are not good for us.
One of their favourite materials they use for their nests are accusing or condemning thoughts.
These thoughts can be our own thoughts or they can be a thought that has come into your life from a friend or family member.
If an enemy criticises us or makes an abusive remark it does not have the same impact.
If someone close to us accuses us we find it a lot harder to deal with.
So, we have to find a way to neutralise any accusations that come our way from a person who claims to be concerned for our welfare.
Most countries have a legal system that provides some form of conflict resolution.
What we do not realise is there is another court system that has a daily effect on our lives.
It is called the “Court of Public Opinion”.
But there is a smaller court system called the “Court of Family Opinion”.
Or, the “Court of Friends Opinion”.
We do care what people think and say about us and some comments can last for years.
The person may not even be alive, but their words live on.
Remember a false accusation can be just as powerful as a true accusation.
Therefore we have to find a way to eliminate both.
We have two ways to do this we can qualify ourselves, this is called defending yourself.
The second thing we can do is to disqualify your accuser.
Here is a famous saying, “He who has not sinned can cast the first stone”.
The principal behind this saying is, a person cannot judge you if they are guilty of the same thing.
The second debate for the American Presidential election has just been held and Mrs Clinton has been defending her husband over his behaviour towards women.
Now Mr Trump is on the defensive because some not very nice remarks he made about women have surfaced.
What I am about to suggest may sound a bit harsh but I am only making the suggestion for the purpose of dismantling what a person has said.
I am not pulling the person down, I am neutralising any negative words they may have spoken against you.
They are not the problem… their words are.
And the closer they are to you increases the power of their words.
First of all I would like to say that the only people who are qualified to give you advice are the people who love you.
Secondly the only people who can give constructive criticism are the people who love you.
You may believe that your friends and family members love you.
And they probably do.
Let’s accept that you are surrounded by a community of loving people.
Well, why did their words hurt you so much if they were spoken to you by a loving person?
Love does not hurt!
Love is not vindictive!
Love wants to build you up not pull you down.
Love does not get angry.
True loves heals your broken heart, it does not damage you.

The key is in the definition of love.
What type of love are we talking about?
The type of love I want to talk about is:

Unconditional love.

What is unconditional love?
A lot of people love you when you behave, but when you do not behave their love weakens.
That is conditional love.
Unconditional love is there when you behave and is still there when you do not behave.
Unconditional love is very rare; we do not blame people if they struggle to love you when you do bad things.
You and I know how hard it is to love someone when they let you down.
Remember I am building a case against a person’s words not against the person.
The reason I have introduced unconditional love into the discussion is to raise the standards. So that most family and friends who may have hurt you by their words.
Do not qualify as people who love you unconditionally.
Therefore, what they have said against you may have been true, but the attitude in which they said it was wrong.
You are now able to appeal to a higher reasoning as you defend yourself in the “Court of Peoples Opinion”.
They accuse you of doing this or that, they accuse you of being this type of person or that type of person.
They could be right or wrong.
But it does not matter what they say because they are not saying it out of love.
They may like you or value you but if their opinion of you goes up or down depending on your behaviour then they are not loving you unconditionally.
Now the tables have turned and you have the upper hand.

They are disqualified as unreliable witnesses.
Therefore their testimony is discredited.
Now the little birds do not have anything to build their nests of accusation or condemnation.
If you do have people in your life who love you unconditionally then you’re blessed in a big way.
By the way, if you are the accuser, don’t worry we all make mistakes.
Forgive and it will be forgiven you.
Make today a new day.
Unconditional love is hard to learn, begin to practise on yourself.

Stop accusing yourself.
If you loved yourself, you would build yourself up.
Here is another famous saying.

“Love others as you love yourself”.

Sometimes loving yourself is not easy.
Can I suggest that you change the word “love” with the word “believe”?
Now we can say, “Believe in others as you believe in yourself”.
To believe in yourself is a wonderful thing.


Chapter 11

I will always be grateful that I found a living example of unconditional love in the form of my wife.
If you have not been on the receiving end of this type of love, do not worry.
It may be on the way to your house right now.
When will it arrive…I do not know?
Why not start preparing for its arrival.
Turn your rules into guidelines.
Remove harsh rules and replace them with light hearted suggestions.
Remember to value your personality above your appearance.
Choose to love yourself by believing in yourself.
Vote for yourself as President of your life.
Take charge by making the rules work for you.
Adjust any rules or values that are holding you back.
Do not give others too much influence.
Free yourself from any words that have not been spoken out of unconditional love.
Become an example.
Live by these guidelines.
Love does not hurt!
Love is not vindictive!
Love wants to build you up not pull you down.
Love does not get angry.
True loves heals your broken heart, it does not damage you.

The key is in the definition of love.


Your behaviour is not who you are.
It is an indication.
Do not believe everything your behaviour is telling you.
Believe in who you are, not in what you do.

You are the President of your life.
You rule.
Whoever changes the rules is the most powerful person.
Can I make a suggestion?
Let love rule your life..!!
Here is the key… for the last time.


Thanks for reading.

Written by Tony Egar.





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